Tag Archives: advice

suicide perspective

the tragic loss of Robin Williams and many others reveals not only the haunting shadows of drug abuse and depression, but also sheds light to the unknown internal battles people fight on a daily basis. as with all battles, some tragically lose their lives and remain defeated on the battlefield.

with every suicide story i always wonder how someone could commit such an egocentric and impulsive action. how can they be completely oblivious and apathetic to the impact of the consequences of their actions upon on all the people they’ve met and influenced throughout their life?

as a child, i tremendously feared death, especially the death of my family. i was so afraid of it that every time my parents would drive by a cemetery, i would close my eyes and wait until we passed by. i would have random days where i would lay on my twin sized bed and begin crying into my pillow as a toddler and thought to myself:

“if they die, how can anyone replace them?”
“if i miss them, how can i ever see them?”
“if i want to hold their hand, how can i touch them?”
“if i want to hear their voice, how can i hear them?”

as i got older, i no longer feared death because i learned that it wasn’t death that i was afraid of, it was the grief that subsequently followed. partly, i may have embraced it merely because i accepted it as being part of the cycle of life. despite the acceptance of it, i still harbor a passionate hate for it, as it can take away the life of any one person at any given time without any preparation or warning.

there will be many times in life where you’ll feel as if everything you’ve lived for is falling apart into shambles, leaving you despondent and angry at yourself, others around you, or the world. as humans, we tend to forget that these moments are temporary trials that will pass at an unforeseen time. unfortunately, if we don’t quickly dig ourselves out of this pit, we will eventually convince ourselves that happiness is a myth and end up another tragedy.

i do not believe that a majority of victims who fall victim to suicide specifically plan when they decide to die. they’re exhausted from fighting the demons of depression and/or drug withdrawal conjoined with the unpredictable highs and lows of varying degrees of all types of emotions, leaving them without any energy to devise such plan. they eventually convince themselves that they are no longer “normal,” depleting a sense of belonging to others around them.

i also believe that when someone is suicidal, they do not schedule in their calendar to die next Wednesday because in actuality they feel as if they want to die every day. only when the unfortunate fate of the exceeded threshold of frustration and impulse and an opportune moment of pure isolation finally meet, does such “plan” unfold.

there will always be a stigma on suicide because people fear the unknown and are quick to shun it. especially for those who have never experienced true depression, it may seem to be merely an over exaggerated fabrication produced by weak souls seeking the attention of others. even if that were to be true, i would like to believe that the ability to take a life, regardless of whether it’s one’s own or another, is driven by more than just an attention seeking desire.

it’s hard to imagine the fear and loneliness one would face when approaching the peak of desperation. i can only assume that it would feel as if your heart was crawling up your throat along with a feeling of pure hopelessness and loss of all authority. as you climb closer to the peak, a voice manifests into your mind, echoing that the only freedom from this piercing internal torment is death. only then will these constant invasive thoughts and feelings of regret, remorse, and self-hatred will finally be silenced.

every day we are faced with different problems, issues, and struggles and protect ourselves using various coping mechanisms. when we are unable to find solutions, we can either cope or surrender to it. in psychology, there are many studies done on conscious and unconscious coping mechanisms that people develop and adjust throughout their lives in order to adapt to certain situations.

one example is the “reaction formation” defense mechanism, in which the person acts opposite to how they truly feel in an exaggerated and obsessive way (Hock, Roger R. “Reading 30: You’re Getting Defensive Again!” Forty Studies That Changed Psychology. 7th ed. Upper Saddle River: Pearson Education, 2013. 233-38). maybe all the laughter Robin Williams brought to his audiences was an exaggeration of the sadness he had within him and he was simply using a reaction formation defense mechanism to hide how he truly felt. it is as if he finally reached the point where he could no longer pretend to accept such hypocrisy.

Jim Norton wrote in Time.com that “(t)he funniest people I know seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.” so with this in mind, how many more painted faces of happiness will result in more tragedies?

the ability to find solace within despair, hope during times of hopelessness, truth within a horde of lies, and trust in a future that does not yet exist are the most difficult emotional challenges in life. we often forget that there are people who do not even possess the basic necessities of life, yet they still choose life over death. that there are people diagnosed with diseases who fight night and day just to wake up to live another day because life is precious, beautiful, and worth fighting for.

“Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp’d tow’rs, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.”

– The Tempest, Act IV, Scene I

it is said that we truly realize what death really is at the very moment when it falls within arm’s reach. before that time comes, we are just simply living and continuing our daily activities, not realizing that tomorrow may simply be the last.

rest in peace Robbin Williams and to all those who’s time here on earth have been cut short. i hope that you finally found your peace and know that you will always be missed.

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break ups

you like them, love them, can’t live without them until the moment that comes unexpectedly. then you just straight up hate them. whether or not you’re the one to end it, break ups just suck.

when you’re the one to break the bad news
it’s hard trying to figure out the right time to bring up the conversation. honestly, it’s never a good time. it’s definitely relieving after you get it out, but then dealing with all the wrap up afterwards is a headache. especially if you left your toiletries, clothes, and other belongings at their apartment, and they left stuff at yours.

luckily for me, i don’t have to deal with crying btches or unknown pregnancies, so that leaves me with less headaches. but that doesn’t mean that i’m in the clear. the funny thing about break ups is that it can change the sweetest person to the most bitter and annoying asshole. all of a sudden their apartment becomes a maximum security prison and trying to get your stuff back is nearly impossible. on top of that, trying to convince them that it is indeed completely and absolutely over is another hurdle.

dude, i gave you so many warnings and signs that i’m over it, please, just leave me alone. i don’t need another missed call, voicemail, text message, kakao message, or facebook message telling me all these wonderful things i want to hear because simply if we do get back together, you’re just going to do the same sht all over again. if that’s not annoying enough, please hold my sht for ransom because i don’t want to have “that” conversation anymore. if i knew you were going to pull some sht like this, i would have never left my sht there in the first place.

if that’s not enough, i feel bad for any guy that comes right after him. “dear post break up guy, please note that you will be investigated for overlap.” god forbid you meet someone new a week later, it won’t matter. if you move on too quickly, it just simply means you cheated on him.

nonetheless, after it’s over, i yell “freedom!” while frolicing in the meadows under the warm sun. peace out. finally, i don’t have to deal with this bullsht anymore.

when you’re the one to receive the bad news
they’ve already made up their mind and you just can’t do anything about it. you can beg and state convincing arguments as much as you want, but the fact is they just don’t want to be with you anymore. you just have to accept it and move on. it’s time to call up some friends, hit the club, get drunk, and come home and then repeat until it’s all out of your system.

every break up is different. sometimes i get caught up, sometimes i couldn’t give a sht about it, however, the way i feel afterwards doesn’t measure the feelings i had for them. i honestly don’t believe that love is measured by the amount of grief that you feel once it’s over. rather that it measures your level of dependency on that person. usually dependency results from relationships with multiple break ups because there’s always that hope of getting back together. as with the story of the boy who cried wolf, after the first 2-3 times, the next just seems like a fluke.

regardless of who broke up with who, i always suffer. the grief felt after a break up is just hard to deal with. especially when you spent the past 1+ years with that person you claimed to be in love with and then all of a sudden they’re out of your life.

the part that i hate the most is when you start getting flashbacks of all the memories you shared with that person. there’s no reminder of it’s onset. it’s like a random slap to the face at a random time of the day while you’re doing something completely random. then you start getting the “feels” as if someone just tore your heart out of your chest and took a bite out of it. it’s as if retrograde amnesia was triggered immediately after the break up and then all of a sudden, all the repressed memories begin to come back. i find it ironic how easy it is to remember all the bad when you’re together, and remember all the good after you break up.

losing someone who was once important in your life destroys you because you’ve lost a part of yourself. you don’t realize how grounded you felt with that person until they’re gone. all the memories you’ve shared, no matter how memorable or insignificant it was, start to mean a lot more than they really did. you can’t see them or hear their voice whenever you want. all that remains are old voicemails and pictures stored on your phone that you replay over and over again. you miss them so much that you wake up every day hoping that it was just a bad dream, only to realize that it isn’t. the reality is that they’re not in your life anymore and all you can do is just miss them.

the reality of the break up becomes imminent when they start calling you by your name and not “baby”. it’s probably one of the hardest moments to absorb. you can even notice the slight change in the tone of voice, as the warmth transforms into coldness. it’s the moment you’re no longer someone special in their life, but just another somebody that they used to know.

the transformation of lover to stranger.

all of the inside jokes and laughter you shared are all gone. just like that. as if it never happened. as if you’re some crazy person who’s imagining that all these things happened between the two of you. it’s difficult trying to digest the harsh reality that it’s over, no matter how much you want to. you start to feel your heart sinking into your stomach while feeling a range of emotions crawling up your nerves, until you suddenly feel tears coming down your face, not knowing why you’re crying or what you’re feeling. you just feel miserable and lost without them. your whole world is shattered, leaving you feeling broken and vulnerable.

the harsh reality of knowing that you’ve just lost a partner, someone you did everything with. he was your eating buddy. sleeping buddy, tv buddy, your confidant, and your best friend. the moments where those simple things gave meaning to your mundane and routine 9 to 5 life are gone forever.


you don’t know when you’ll meet them, but eventually you’ll meet someone new, only to repeat this vicious cycle until you either die or get married. let’s just hope it’s the latter. regardless of which side you are on, life goes on with or without them. “sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next”, because life is too short to stay in a shtty relationship.

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