Tag Archives: torture

suicide perspective

the tragic loss of Robin Williams and other tragedies reveals not only the haunting shadows of drug abuse and depression, but also sheds light to the unknown internal battles people fight on a daily basis. as with all battles, some tragically lose their lives and remain defeated on the battlefield.

with every suicide story i always wonder how someone could commit such an egocentric and impulsive action. how can they be completely oblivious and apathetic to the impact of the consequences of their actions upon on all the people they’ve met and influenced throughout their life?

as a child, i tremendously feared death, especially the death of my family. i was so afraid of it that every time my parents would drive by a cemetery, i would close my eyes and wait until we passed by. i would have random days where i would lay on my twin sized bed and begin crying into my pillow as a toddler and thought to myself:

“if they die, how can anyone replace them?”
“if i miss them, how can i ever see them?”
“if i want to hold their hand, how can i touch them?”
“if i want to hear their voice, how can i hear them?”

as i got older, i no longer feared death because i learned that it wasn’t death that i was afraid of, it was the grief that subsequently followed. partly, i may have embraced it merely because i accepted it as being part of the cycle of life. despite the acceptance of it, i still harbor a passionate hate for it, as it can take away the life of any one person at any given time without any preparation or warning.

there will be many times in life where you’ll feel as if everything you’ve lived for is falling apart into shambles, leaving you despondent and angry at yourself, others around you, or the world. as humans, we tend to forget that these moments are temporary trials that will pass at an unforeseen time. unfortunately, if we don’t quickly dig ourselves out of this pit, we will eventually convince ourselves that happiness is a myth and end up another tragedy.

i do not believe that a majority of victims who fall victim to suicide specifically plan when they decide to die. they’re exhausted from fighting the demons of depression and/or drug withdrawal conjoined with the unpredictable highs and lows of varying degrees of all types of emotions, leaving them without any energy to devise such plan. they eventually convince themselves that they are no longer “normal,” depleting a sense of belonging to others around them.

i also believe that when someone is suicidal, they do not schedule in their calendar to die next Wednesday because in actuality they feel as if they want to die every day. only when the unfortunate fate of the exceeded threshold of frustration and impulse and an opportune moment of pure isolation finally meet, does such “plan” unfold.

there will always be a stigma on suicide because people fear the unknown and are quick to shun it. especially for those who have never experienced true depression, it may seem to be merely an over exaggerated fabrication produced by weak souls seeking the attention of others. even if that were to be true, i would like to believe that the ability to take a life, regardless of whether it’s one’s own or another, is driven by more than just an attention seeking desire.

it’s hard to imagine the fear and loneliness one would face when approaching the peak of desperation. i can only assume that it would feel as if your heart was crawling up your throat along with a feeling of pure hopelessness and loss of all authority. as you climb closer to the peak, a voice manifests into your mind, echoing that the only freedom from this piercing internal torment is death. only then will these constant invasive thoughts and feelings of regret, remorse, and self-hatred will finally be silenced.

every day we are faced with different problems, issues, and struggles and protect ourselves using various coping mechanisms. when we are unable to find solutions, we can either cope or surrender to it. in psychology, there are many studies done on conscious and unconscious coping mechanisms that people develop and adjust throughout their lives in order to adapt to certain situations.

one example is the “reaction formation” defense mechanism, in which the person acts opposite to how they truly feel in an exaggerated and obsessive way (Hock, Roger R. “Reading 30: You’re Getting Defensive Again!” Forty Studies That Changed Psychology. 7th ed. Upper Saddle River: Pearson Education, 2013. 233-38). maybe all the laughter Robin Williams brought to his audiences was an exaggeration of the sadness he had within him and he was simply using a reaction formation defense mechanism to hide how he truly felt. it is as if he finally reached the point where he could no longer pretend to accept such hypocrisy.

Jim Norton wrote in Time.com that “(t)he funniest people I know seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.” so with this in mind, how many more painted faces of happiness will result in more tragedies?

the ability to find solace within despair, hope during times of hopelessness, truth within a horde of lies, and trust in a future that does not yet exist are the most difficult emotional challenges in life. we often forget that there are people who do not even possess the basic necessities of life, yet they still choose life over death. that there are people diagnosed with diseases who fight night and day just to wake up to live another day because life is precious, beautiful, and worth fighting for.

“Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp’d tow’rs, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.”

– The Tempest, Act IV, Scene I

it is said that we truly realize what death really is at the very moment when it falls within arm’s reach. before that time comes, we are just simply living and continuing our daily activities, not realizing that tomorrow may simply be the last.

rest in peace Robbin Williams and to all those who’s time here on earth have been cut short. i hope that you finally found your peace and know that you will always be missed.

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torture via nyc subway

seriously mta? i hope you realize that if i don’t have a job, i can’t afford to pay you.

you don’t know what hate is until you ride the nyc subway every day. people take the subway not because it’s by choice but because they either live too far to walk and/or refuse to take the bus. a true new yorker does not take the bus. why, you must ask? because we just don’t. there are a few exceptions, for instance, if you’re trying to cross town, if you live in queens, you’re a senior citizen, or you’re suddenly RKO outta nowhere’d by a sneaky service change.

i leave at the same time every day, but i will somehow manage to be late not because it’s my fault, but because of the fcking train. the most painful/annoying/frustrating part of it all is when i’m only a second late. due to the wonderful world of billable hours, when i come in at 9:37:30 AM instead of by 9:37:29 AM, i’m 15 minutes late and a part of me dies a little inside.

my day starts off with an alarm that sounds like a red alert lab hazard warning. supposedly nothing wakes you up quite like the panic that sets in with life threatening danger. yet here i am still lying in bed unaffected by such danger alarms. like a pimp cutting a hoe, i slap my snooze button multiple times until i can’t slap it anymore.

after the successful completion of my daily obstacle course of dodging dog sht that their responsible owners don’t clean up after, pigeons that perfected the game of chicken, and playing frogger with bicyclists, i am rewarded with a daily dose of three-minute sunlight and an entry to the cave of death.

the mta stations look and feel like you’re entering a gas chamber, especially in the summer. it’s fcking horrible. you’re standing there waiting for a train that likes to come whenever it wants, suffocating in a thick humid cloud of sweat, rat poison, diseases, and other fun things with barely any room between you and the person next, front, and behind you, sandwiched in a hell hole with the promise of an AC’ed train. occasionally you might be able to spot a rare “what a beautiful day. everything is wonderful!” creature in the form of another human, but you’re smarter than that to fall for their tricks. NOT TODAY CREATURE. NOT TODAY.

you would think the torture would end there. but nope, this is just the beginning.

when you enter the subway car you will almost always come across one of these types of people:

fatty mcfatty
there’s that one really obese person who takes up more than two seats. their rolls of fat just spills over to the seats next to them like cake batter in a plastic bag pancaking on a kitchen counter. even when the seat next to one of their rolls open, you don’t want to sit there because they possess the ultimate combination of foul attitude and body odor.

e-addicts
then there’s those people who are so hypnotized by their electronics they lose all sense of reality. if they take their eyes off their device for a second, they’ll lose their high. don’t fck with them. they may bite. these addicts are violent people. while binging on their high, they will step on your shoes, bump into you, and will not let you enter or leave the train. they will also walk down the stairs at the speed of a child learning how to walk for the very first time and make you miss your train.

pole hog
if you don’t possess the prime real estate (the two corners by the doors) you can either fall on your face, slam into a stranger (chosen at random), or find a metal bar to hold onto. but you must remember that there is no such thing as a free pole. you will encounter these guardians securing the pole as if it was made of gold. i guess that would make sense considering that the mta fare increases every year yet the service seems to get worse. you can try a silent and passive aggressive approach by gripping the part of the pole that is right in front of their face, but yet these fckers will not get the fcking clue. go ahead, make all the eye contact you want, it won’t work. you see, the pole hog is blinded by greed. only after loudly voicing “excuse me” from built-up frustration, will you break their spell.

peek-a-reader
if you live near the first/last stop of the train, you’ll be lucky enough to get a seat. as you snuggle into the hard plastic chair sat on by thousands of people, you’ll look around and find some relief that the coast is clear of fatty mcfattys, smelly bums, crying babies, screaming children, and random appearances of singing people asking for money. the man/woman sitting next to you doesn’t smell and you start to think “hey, maybe today will be a normal day.” well, guess again.

a peek-a-reader is not a cute pokemon. they are sneaky little elves disguised as normal people who possess the same abilities as a possessive girlfriend/boyfriend. whatever you’re reading or doing, they will just peek-a-glance. sometimes they don’t even realize that they’re doing it until they realize they are breathing closer and closer to your face. to ward off a peek-a-reader, one must occasionally throw back a glare of discomfort, silently giving them a warning that you will reveal their true identity if their behavior does not stop.


exiting the train isn’t any easier. once you reach your stop, all of the men, women, and children by the exit become professional football players forming a defensive line at the end zone. FYI, they lose the game if they let you off first. after much resistance, if you’re lucky enough to even exit the car, you can lavish yourself with the feeling of a newborn baby that just exited the womb.

following your birth by your subway car mother, a gleam of light will shine down on the escalator of frustration. don’t be fooled by the light. your journey does not end here.

there’s an unspoken rule that applies to escalators. if you want to stay stationary stand on your right. if you’re going to stay in the left then learn how to fcking walk. there’s a special place in hell when you’re in front of the non-stationary line and you suddenly decide to stop in the middle for no reason at all during rush hour.

after the struggles, finally, i reach my destination. it wouldn’t be so bad if i was greeted by cute little puppies and pints full of ice cream. nope. instead i’m just returning to the daily grind, sitting behind my computer screen, typing away only to repeat the same journey tomorrow.

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