Tag Archives: torture

suicide perspective

the tragic loss of Robin Williams and other tragedies reveals not only the haunting shadows of drug abuse and depression, but also sheds light to the unknown internal battles people fight on a daily basis. as with all battles, some tragically lose their lives and remain defeated on the battlefield.

with every suicide story i always wonder how someone could commit such an egocentric and impulsive action. how can they be completely oblivious and apathetic to the impact of the consequences of their actions upon on all the people they’ve met and influenced throughout their life?

as a child, i tremendously feared death, especially the death of my family. i was so afraid of it that every time my parents would drive by a cemetery, i would close my eyes and wait until we passed by. i would have random days where i would lay on my twin sized bed and begin crying into my pillow at the age of 6 and thought to myself:

“if they die, how can anyone replace them?”
“if i miss them, how can i ever see them?”
“if i want to hold their hand, how can i touch them?”
“if i want to hear their voice, how can i hear them?”

as i got older, i no longer feared death because i learned that it wasn’t death that i was afraid of, it was the grief that subsequently followed. partly, i may have embraced it merely because i accepted it as being part of the cycle of life. despite the acceptance of it, i still harbor a passionate hate for it, as it can take away the life of any one person at any given time without any preparation or warning.

there will be many times in life where you’ll feel as if everything you’ve lived for is falling apart into shambles, leaving you despondent and angry at yourself or the world. as humans, we tend to forget that these moments are temporary trials that will pass at an unforeseen time. unfortunately, if we don’t quickly dig ourselves out of this pit, we will eventually convince ourselves that happiness is a myth and end up another tragedy.

i do not believe that a majority of victims who fall victim to suicide specifically plan when they decide to die. they’re exhausted from fighting the demons of depression and/or drug withdrawal conjoined with the unpredictable highs and lows of varying degrees of all types of emotions, leaving them without any energy to devise such plan. they eventually convince themselves that they are no longer “normal”, depleting a sense of belonging to others around them.

i also believe that when someone is suicidal, they do not schedule in their calendar to die next Wednesday because in actuality they feel as if they want to die every day. only when the unfortunate fate of the exceeded threshold of frustration and impulse and an opportune moment of pure isolation finally meet, does such “plan” unfold.

there will always be a stigma on suicide because people fear the unknown and are quick to shun it. especially for those who have never experienced true depression, it may seem to be merely an over exaggerated fabrication produced by weak souls seeking the attention of others. even if that were to be true, i would like to believe that the ability to take a life, regardless of whether it’s one’s own or another’s, is driven by more than just an attention seeking desire.

it’s hard to imagine the fear and loneliness one would face when approaching the peak of desperation. i can only assume that it would feel as if your heart was crawling up your throat along with a feeling of pure hopelessness and loss of all authority. as you climb closer to the peak, a voice manifests into your mind, echoing that the only freedom from this piercing internal torment is death. only then will these constant invasive thoughts and feelings of regret, remorse, and self-hatred will finally be muted.

every day we are faced with different problems, issues, and struggles and protect ourselves using various coping mechanisms. when we are unable to find solutions, we can either cope or surrender to it. in psychology, there are many studies done on conscious and unconscious coping mechanisms that people develop and adjust throughout their lives in order to adapt to certain situations.

one example is the “reaction formation” defence mechanism, in which the person acts opposite to how they truly feel in an exaggerated and obsessive way (Hock, Roger R. “Reading 30: You’re Getting Defensive Again!” Forty Studies That Changed Psychology. 7th ed. Upper Saddle River: Pearson Education, 2013. 233-38). maybe all the laughter Robin Williams brought to his audiences was an exaggeration of the sadness he had within him and he was simply using a reaction formation defence mechanism to hide how he truly felt. it is as if he finally reached the point where he could no longer pretend to accept such hypocrisy.

Jim Norton wrote in Time.com that “(t)he funniest people I know seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.”  so with this in mind, how many more painted faces of happiness will result in more tragedies?

the ability to find solace within despair, hope during times of hopelessness, truth within a horde of lies, and trust in a future that does not yet exist are the most difficult emotional challenges in life. we often forget that there are people who do not even possess the basic necessities of life, yet they still choose life over death. that there are people diagnosed with diseases who fight night and day just to wake up to live another day because life is precious, beautiful, and worth fighting for.

“Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp’d tow’rs, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.”

– The Tempest, Act IV, Scene I

it is said that we truly realize what death really is at the very moment when it falls within arm’s reach. before that time comes, we are just simply living and continuing our daily activities, not realizing that tomorrow may simply be the last.

rest in peace Robbin Williams and to all those who’s time here on earth have been cut short. i hope that you finally found your peace and know that you will always be missed.

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torture via nyc subway

seriously mta? i hope you realize that if i don’t have a job, i can’t afford to pay you.

you don’t know what hate is until you ride the nyc subway every day. people take the subway not because it’s by choice but because they either live too far to walk and/or refuse to take the bus. a true new yorker does not take the bus. why, you must ask? because we just don’t. there are a few exceptions, for instance, if you’re trying to cross town, if you live in whitestone, you’re a senior citizen, or you’re additionally fcked over by those service changes you never pay attention to.

i leave at the same time every day, but i will somehow manage to be late not because it’s my fault, but because of the fcking train. the most painful/annoying/frustrating part of it all is when i’m only a minute late. i work in a law firm so my hours are measured by 7 minute intervals. so if i come in at 9:38 AM instead of 9:37 AM, i’m 15 minutes late. every time that 1 minute jumps to 15, a part of me dies a little inside.

my day starts off with an alarm that sounds equivalent to an hour of incessant nagging. like a pimp cutting a hoe, i slap my snooze button multiple times until i can’t slap it anymore. there’s no one to impress at work, so at most it will take me 15 minutes to get ready. faster than the time most guys take to do their hair.

after the successful completion of my daily obstacle course of dodging dog sht that their fcktarded owners don’t clean up after and my daily doses of “3 minute sunlight” and polluted air, i enter the box of death.

the mta stations look and feel like you’re entering a gas chamber. it’s fcking horrible especially in the summer. you’re standing there waiting for a train that likes to come whenever it wants, suffocating in a thick humid cloud of sweat, rat poison, diseases, and other fun things with barely any room between you and the person next, front, and behind you. we’re all stuck crowded in this hell hole with the promise of an AC’ed train. very rarely there will be 1 or 2 “what a beautiful day. i love life!” people standing next to you, but you know they’re most likely a tourist so you learn to ignore them.

you would think the torture would end there. but nope, it gets worse.

when you enter the subway car you will almost always come across one of these types of people:

fatty mcfatty
there’s that one really obese person who takes up more than two seats. their rolls of fat just spills over to the seat next to them like spilled cake batter. even when the seat next to their rolls is open, you don’t want to sit there because they possess the ultimate combination of foul attitude and body odor.

then there’s those people who are so hypnotized by their electronics they lose all sense of reality. if they take their eyes off their device for a second, they’ll lose their high. don’t fck with them.
you have to watch out because if you didn’t know, these addicts are violent people. while binging on their high, they will step on your shoes, bump into you, and will not let you off/enter the train. they will also walk down the stairs at the speed of a child learning how to walk and make you miss your train.

pole hog
if you don’t possess the prime real estate (the two corners by the doors) you can either fall on your face/stranger or find a metal bar to hold onto. but once in a while you will find one of these fckers standing right behind/next/in front of you. go ahead, make all the eye contact you want. you can also try to grip the pole closest to their point of vision. but yet these fckers will not get the fcking clue. only after voicing “excuse me” out of the built-up frustration, will they stare at you like you did something wrong by smacking them in the head with common sense.

if you live near the first/last stop of the train, you’ll be lucky enough to get a seat. as you snuggle into the hard plastic chair sat on by hundreds of people, you’ll look around and find some relief that the coast is clear of fatty mcfattys, smelly bums, crying babies, disobedient children, and random appearances of singing people asking for money. the man/woman sitting next to you doesn’t smell and you start to think “hey, maybe today will be a normal day.” well, guess again.

a peek-a-reader is not a cute pokemon. they are sneaky little elves disguised as normal people who possess the same abilities as a possessive/suspicious girlfriend/boyfriend. whatever you are reading/doing, they will just peek-a-glance. sometimes they don’t even realize that they’re doing it until they realize they are breathing closer and closer to your face. to ward off a peek-a-reader, one must occasionally throw back a glare of discomfort, silently relaying the message of “get your own fcking newspaper/book/phone and mind your fcking business”.

exiting the train isn’t any easier. once you reach your stop, all of the men and women by the exit become professional football players forming a defensive line at the end zone. on top of that, you have those people who lack the etiquette of letting people off the train before boarding. after much resistance, i finally get to exit the train, feeling like a newborn baby who just exited the womb.

ah, the journey does not end there. finally after waddling through the crowds of people, a gleam of light will shine down on the escalator of frustration.

there’s an unspoken rule that applies to escalators. if you want to stay stationary stand on your right. if you’re going to stay in the left then learn how to fcking walk. i hate people who decide that after walking halfway they’re just going to stop and stand there. what’s even worse is that you’re put in a compromising situation where there’s too many witnesses standing on the right. if you say something to the douchebag in front of you, you’ll look like an asshole so all you can do is stand behind him/her hoping that they’ll walk or if they still decide to just stand there, you’ll begin harnessing some pent-up anger and frustration on top of all the sht you just went through to get to this point.

after all the struggle, finally, i reach my destination. it wouldn’t be so bad if i was greeted by cute little puppies and pints full of ice cream. nope. instead i’m just returning to the daily grind, sitting behind my computer screen, typing away only to repeat tomorrow.

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