break ups

you like them, love them, can’t live without them until the moment that comes unexpectedly. then you just straight up hate them. whether or not you’re the one to end it, break ups just suck.

when you’re the one to break the bad news
it’s hard trying to figure out the right time to bring up the conversation. honestly, it’s never a good time. it’s definitely relieving after you get it out, but then dealing with all the wrap up afterwards is a headache. especially if you left your toiletries, clothes, and other belongings at their apartment, and they left stuff at yours.

luckily for me, i don’t have to deal with crying btches or unknown pregnancies, so that leaves me with less headaches. but that doesn’t mean that i’m in the clear. the funny thing about break ups is that it can change the sweetest person to the most bitter and annoying asshole. all of a sudden their apartment becomes a maximum security prison and trying to get your stuff back is nearly impossible. on top of that, trying to convince them that it is indeed completely and absolutely over is another hurdle.

dude, i gave you so many warnings and signs that i’m over it, please, just leave me alone. i don’t need another missed call, voicemail, text message, kakao message, or facebook message telling me all these wonderful things i want to hear because simply if we do get back together, you’re just going to do the same sht all over again. if that’s not annoying enough, please hold my sht for ransom because i don’t want to have “that” conversation anymore. if i knew you were going to pull some sht like this, i would have never left my sht there in the first place.

if that’s not enough, i feel bad for any guy that comes right after him. “dear post break up guy, please note that you will be investigated for overlap.” god forbid you meet someone new a week later, it won’t matter. if you move on too quickly, it just simply means you cheated on him.

nonetheless, after it’s over, i yell “freedom!” while frolicing in the meadows under the warm sun (metaphorically speaking). peace out. finally, i don’t have to deal with this bullsht anymore.

when you’re the one to receive the bad news
they’ve already made up their mind and you just can’t do anything about it. you can beg and state convincing arguments as much as you want, but the fact is they just don’t want to be with you anymore. you just have to accept it and move on. it’s time to call up some friends, hit the club, get drunk, and come home and then repeat until it’s all out of your system.

every break up is different. sometimes i get caught up, sometimes i couldn’t give a sht about it, however, the way i feel afterwards doesn’t measure the feelings i had for them. i honestly don’t believe that love is measured by the amount of grief that you feel once it’s over. rather that it measures your level of dependency on that person. usually dependency results from relationships with multiple break ups because there’s always that hope of getting back together. as with the story of the boy who cried wolf, after the first 2-3 times, the next just seems like a fluke.

regardless of who broke up with who, i always suffer. the grief felt after a break up is just hard to deal with. especially when you spent the past 1+ years with that person you claimed to be in love with and then all of a sudden they’re out of your life.

the part that i hate the most is when you start getting flashbacks of all the memories you shared with that person. there’s no reminder of it’s onset. it’s like a random slap to the face at a random time of the day while you’re doing something completely random. then you start getting the “feels” as if someone just tore your heart out of your chest and took a bite out of it. it’s as if retrograde amnesia was triggered immediately after the break up and then all of a sudden, all the repressed memories begin to come back. i find it ironic how easy it is to remember all the bad when you’re together, and remember all the good after you break up.

losing someone who was once important in your life destroys you because you’ve lost a part of yourself. you don’t realize how grounded you felt with that person until they’re gone. all the memories you’ve shared, no matter how memorable or insignificant it was, start to mean a lot more than they really did. you can’t see them or hear their voice whenever you want. all that remains are old voicemails and pictures stored on your phone that you replay over and over again. you miss them so much that you wake up every day hoping that it was just a bad dream, only to realize that it isn’t. the reality is that they’re not in your life anymore and all you can do is just miss them.

the reality of the break up becomes imminent when they start calling you by your name and not “baby”. it’s probably one of the hardest moments to absorb. you can even notice the slight change in the tone of voice, as the warmth transforms into coldness. it’s the moment you’re no longer someone special in their life, but just another somebody that they used to know. the transformation of lover to stranger.

all of the inside jokes and laughter you shared are all gone. just like that. as if it never happened. as if you’re some crazy person who’s imagining that all these things happened between the two of you. it’s difficult trying to digest the harsh reality that it’s over, no matter how much you want to. you start to feel your heart sinking into your stomach while feeling a range of emotions crawling up your nerves, until you suddenly feel tears coming down your face, not knowing why you’re crying or what you’re feeling. you just feel miserable and lost without them. your whole world is shattered, leaving you feeling broken and vulnerable.

the harsh reality of knowing that you’ve just lost a partner, someone you did everything with. he was your eating buddy. sleeping buddy, tv buddy, your confidant, and your best friend. the moments where those simple things gave meaning to your mundane and routine 9 to 5 life are gone forever.


you don’t know when you’ll meet them, but eventually you’ll meet someone new, only to repeat this vicious cycle until you either die or get married. let’s just hope it’s the latter. regardless of which side you are on, life goes on with or without them. “sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next”, because life is too short to stay in a shtty relationship.

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2 thoughts on “break ups

  1. Amy H says:

    Enjoyed this rant Nadia…very insightful and true. Relationships and breakups are absolutely subjective and personal to each individual…but the important thing is to always keep a positive outlook because in the end, that’s all we really have- a life that we should be happy about because otherwise…wtf is the point lol. Thanks for this!

    Liked by 1 person

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